Everything that happens to us happens in purpose. And sometimes, one thing leads to another. Instead of locking yourself up in your cage of fears and crying over past heartaches, embarrassment and failures, treat them as your teachers and they will become your tools in both self improvement and success.
when does self improvement become synonymous with success? Where do we start? Take these tips, friends…
* Stop thinking and feeling as if you’re a failure, because you’re not. How can others accept you if YOU can’t accept YOU?
* When you see hunks and models on TV, think more on self improvement, not self pitying. Self acceptance is not just about having nice slender legs, or great abs. Concentrate on inner beauty.
* When people feel so down and low about themselves, help them move up. Don’t go down with them. They’ll pull you down further and both of you will end up feeling inferior.
* The world is a large room for lessons, not mistakes. Don’t feel stupid and doomed forever just because you failed on a science quiz. There’s always a next time. Make rooms for self improvement.
* Take things one at a time. You don’t expect black sheep’s to be goody-two-shoes in just a snap of a finger. Self improvement is a one day at a time process.
* Self improvement results to inner stability, personality development and dig this …. SUCCESS. It comes from self confidence, self appreciation and self esteem.
* Set meaningful and achievable goals. Self improvement doesn’t turn you to be the exact replica of Cameron Diaz or Ralph Fiennes. It hopes and aims to result to an improved and better YOU.
* Little things mean BIG to other people. Sometimes, we don’t realize that the little things that we do like a pat on the back, saying “hi” or “hello”, greeting someone “good day” or telling Mr. Smith something like “hey, I love your tie!” are simple things that mean so much to other people. When we’re being appreciative about beautiful things around us and other people, we also become beautiful to them.
* When you’re willing to accept change and go through the process of self improvement, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is. The world is a place where people of different values and attitude hang out. Sometimes, even if you think you and your best friend always like to do the same thing together at the same time, she would most likely decline an invitation for self improvement.
We should always remember that there’s no such thing as ‘over night success’. Its always a wonderful feeling to hold on to the things that you already have now, realizing that those are just one of the things you once wished for. A very nice quote says that “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” We are all here to learn our lessons. Our parents, school teachers, friends, colleagues, officemates, neighbors… they are our teachers. When we open our doors for self improvement, we increase our chances to head to the road of success.
In Leadership, Dreams Are The Stuff That Great Results Are Made Of
Summary: The importance of motivation in leadership cannot be denied. But most leaders overlook a critical component of motivation, the human dream. The article describes what dreams really mean in the realm of leadership.
Leadership is motivational or it's stumbling in the dark. The best leaders don't order people to do a job, the best leaders motivate people to want to do the job.
The trouble is the vast majority of leaders don't delve into the deep aspects of human motivation and so are unable to motivate people effectively.
Drill down through goals and aims and aspirations and ambitions and you hit the bedrock of motivation, the dream. Many leaders fail to take it into account.
Dreams are not goals and aims. Goals are the results toward which efforts are directed. The realization of a dream might contain goals, which can be stepping stones on the way to the attaining dreams. But the attainment of a goal does not necessarily result in the attainment of a dream.
For instance, Martin Luther King did not say, "I have a goal." Or "I have an aim." The power of that speech was in the "I have a dream".
Dreams are not aspirations and ambitions. Aspirations and ambitions are strong desires to achieve something. King didn't say he had an aspiration or ambition that " ....one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.'" He said he had a dream.
If you are a leader speaking to people's aspirations and ambitions, you are speaking to something that motivates them, yes; but you are not necessarily tapping into the heartwood of their motivation.
After all, one might aspire or be ambitious to achieve a dream. But one's aspiration and ambition may also be connected to things of lesser importance than a dream.
A dream embraces our most cherished longings. It embodies our very identity. We often won't feel fulfilled as human beings until we realize our dreams.
If leaders are avoiding people's dreams, if leaders are simply setting goals (as important as goals are), they miss the best of opportunities to help those people take ardent action to achieve great results.
When Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that "Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed," he was writing about a dream. Not one European government at that time was a democracy. There had been few true democracies in the West since the fall of the Athenian democracy more than 2,000 thousand years before. But Jefferson's "dream" motivated people to take action. In fact, that dream motivates people to act around the world today.
Understand the dreams of the people you lead. People will not tell you what they dream until they trust you. They won't trust you until they feel that you can help them attain their dreams. Acquiring that understanding can cement a deep, emotional bond between you.
Dreams are not fantasies. Going to the mountain may be a dream. Standing on the mountain may be a dream. On the other hand, having the mountain come to us is a fantasy. Dreams can be realized, fantasies can't. Focus on dreams, on what is objectively achievable, not on fantasies.
Dreams are positive, uplifting. The Old English word "dream" means "joy, music, and noise-making." But that positive, inspirational quality can have negative effects on an organization.
Negative dreams can damage an organization. For instance, union/management issues are often particularly inflammatory because of conflicting dreams, of both sides seeing the other as "the enemy." Your audience wanting to go back to the "good old days" can be a negative dream. Only a trusted leader can help people reshape their dreams.
Most people have a dream for their life and work. Even people in abject circumstances, such as prisons and concentration camps, dream of a fulfilling existence beyond their present circumstances. If they lose their dreams, they lose an essential quality of their humanity.
People won't be transformed by your leadership if you have a low opinion of and low expectations for their dream and/or if they are convinced that you can't help them attain that dream.
Many people don't consciously realize what they dream. But that doesn't mean that they are not influenced by their subconscious dream. A subconscious dream can motivate people to act without their clearly understanding why they are acting. Have the people you lead be fully conscious of the content and meaning of their dream or risk having your organization's activities be impeded by a dimly perceived yet none-the-less potent dream.
Each dream has a price. It's one thing to think it. It's another thing to do it. Know the price people will have to pay to attain their dream. Have them understand the price.
As a leader, dream with the people! Without hitching our wagons to stars, the wagons and the stars lose their true meaning in our lives.
Dreams give meaning to emotion and purpose to action. People who believe they're living their dream see their jobs as part of a higher cause and will work accordingly. Conversely, people who see their jobs as antithetical to their dream, may see that work as oppressive; and they too will work accordingly.
Dreams are supreme reality. Dream graffiti on a Paris wall during the 1968 student rebellion said, "Be realistic: Do the impossible!"
Leadership is motivational or it's stumbling in the dark. The best leaders don't order people to do a job, the best leaders motivate people to want to do the job.
The trouble is the vast majority of leaders don't delve into the deep aspects of human motivation and so are unable to motivate people effectively.
Drill down through goals and aims and aspirations and ambitions and you hit the bedrock of motivation, the dream. Many leaders fail to take it into account.
Dreams are not goals and aims. Goals are the results toward which efforts are directed. The realization of a dream might contain goals, which can be stepping stones on the way to the attaining dreams. But the attainment of a goal does not necessarily result in the attainment of a dream.
For instance, Martin Luther King did not say, "I have a goal." Or "I have an aim." The power of that speech was in the "I have a dream".
Dreams are not aspirations and ambitions. Aspirations and ambitions are strong desires to achieve something. King didn't say he had an aspiration or ambition that " ....one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.'" He said he had a dream.
If you are a leader speaking to people's aspirations and ambitions, you are speaking to something that motivates them, yes; but you are not necessarily tapping into the heartwood of their motivation.
After all, one might aspire or be ambitious to achieve a dream. But one's aspiration and ambition may also be connected to things of lesser importance than a dream.
A dream embraces our most cherished longings. It embodies our very identity. We often won't feel fulfilled as human beings until we realize our dreams.
If leaders are avoiding people's dreams, if leaders are simply setting goals (as important as goals are), they miss the best of opportunities to help those people take ardent action to achieve great results.
When Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that "Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed," he was writing about a dream. Not one European government at that time was a democracy. There had been few true democracies in the West since the fall of the Athenian democracy more than 2,000 thousand years before. But Jefferson's "dream" motivated people to take action. In fact, that dream motivates people to act around the world today.
Understand the dreams of the people you lead. People will not tell you what they dream until they trust you. They won't trust you until they feel that you can help them attain their dreams. Acquiring that understanding can cement a deep, emotional bond between you.
Dreams are not fantasies. Going to the mountain may be a dream. Standing on the mountain may be a dream. On the other hand, having the mountain come to us is a fantasy. Dreams can be realized, fantasies can't. Focus on dreams, on what is objectively achievable, not on fantasies.
Dreams are positive, uplifting. The Old English word "dream" means "joy, music, and noise-making." But that positive, inspirational quality can have negative effects on an organization.
Negative dreams can damage an organization. For instance, union/management issues are often particularly inflammatory because of conflicting dreams, of both sides seeing the other as "the enemy." Your audience wanting to go back to the "good old days" can be a negative dream. Only a trusted leader can help people reshape their dreams.
Most people have a dream for their life and work. Even people in abject circumstances, such as prisons and concentration camps, dream of a fulfilling existence beyond their present circumstances. If they lose their dreams, they lose an essential quality of their humanity.
People won't be transformed by your leadership if you have a low opinion of and low expectations for their dream and/or if they are convinced that you can't help them attain that dream.
Many people don't consciously realize what they dream. But that doesn't mean that they are not influenced by their subconscious dream. A subconscious dream can motivate people to act without their clearly understanding why they are acting. Have the people you lead be fully conscious of the content and meaning of their dream or risk having your organization's activities be impeded by a dimly perceived yet none-the-less potent dream.
Each dream has a price. It's one thing to think it. It's another thing to do it. Know the price people will have to pay to attain their dream. Have them understand the price.
As a leader, dream with the people! Without hitching our wagons to stars, the wagons and the stars lose their true meaning in our lives.
Dreams give meaning to emotion and purpose to action. People who believe they're living their dream see their jobs as part of a higher cause and will work accordingly. Conversely, people who see their jobs as antithetical to their dream, may see that work as oppressive; and they too will work accordingly.
Dreams are supreme reality. Dream graffiti on a Paris wall during the 1968 student rebellion said, "Be realistic: Do the impossible!"
Five Leadership Secrets For Challenging Times
We consistently face new and ever growing challenges in the workplace such as reorganizing, downsizing, and “left out sizing.” We are faced with the question, “How do we lead in this storm of change?” It may seem difficult at times and the decisions we make define our short-term and long-term outcomes. I will share with you five leadership techniques guaranteed to keep you on track during these difficult times.
1. Integrity.
I put this first because the lack of integrity will make or break you as a professional, as a leader, as a person in the long run. The lack of this will turn yesterday’s heroes in today’s villains. For example, “MCI was the apple of the business community’s eye. High revenues, high profits, and high growth; MCI was beating the competition hands down. Then it was discovered that there were gross accounting irregularities that accounted for the astounding profits. You see, management made a decision, “Do I continue to sustain good growth and be able to look at myself in the mirror or do I cook the accounting books and spend the rest of my time covering up this integrity deficiency? The real shame of the MCI situation was that AT&T, Sprint, and others in the industry had to cut costs and lay off thousands of employees to compete with MCI’s false numbers. The lack of integrity at MCI not only affected the company but also the livelihood of thousands and the industry as a whole.
I was recently speaking with a recently retired City Council member who is well respected in the community. I asked her what the secret was to her success while on the council? She mentioned that one of her political adversaries said to her, “While you were on the council, I didn’t like the way you voted, but I respected the way you voted because you were consistent with your votes and had the city’s best interest in mind.” Ask yourself what decisions that you make are right for the long term? Be consistent in your actions, whether it is with management, your team, or your family.
2. Knowledge.
With change happening faster and faster every moment, it is extremely important that you gain the knowledge to master these changes. You owe it not only to yourself, but to your team and management. As I always say, “It’s not having the right answer, it’s that you have the right answer faster than before.” Many times during my teambuilding programs a student will say, “I didn’t know where to find the answer.” Then I will say, “That is an unacceptable answer.” Because part of being a leader is acquiring the skills to find the right answers. With the Internet, classroom and online training, mentors, etc., the knowledge is at your fingertips. Challenge your team members to use the same resources to acquire the knowledge to master their challenges. By acquiring this knowledge, you will be able to navigate your team through the ocean of change and achieve your goals.
3. Decisiveness.
You have seen them. They wait for information, then more information before making a decision. Then they need more information to support the information they already have. Then they need a committee to analyze the information. Then they wait for the perfect time to make the decision. Well, you know what I mean. Anyone you know? Make the decision! Good things happen when you take action; you grow, you adapt, and your team grows. There is no perfect time to make a decision. Leaders make decisions based on past experience, putting into action the decision, and staying and adapting the decision if needed. But make the decision. The worst quality you can show your team is indecision. What do you think your team sees when you can’t make a decision? Make the decision and go for it.
4. Vision.
This is the ability not only to see what is the present - anyone can do that - it’s the ability to see the future. Outstanding leaders can not only see their team for what they can do now, but what they can become, and paint the picture for them. These leaders are consistently communicating and coaching their team members to that vision. One of the best ways, and least used methods, to convey your vision is the team meeting (Teambuilding and Coaching Skills for Outstanding Results). Every meeting should start out with the team vision, mission, and goals; and the rest of the meeting should tie into the vision. For example, the motivation portion of the meeting should tie into the vision, the information portion of the meeting should tie into the vision, the training portion of the meeting should tie into the vision, etc. Also, invest time to develop your team members’ personal visions and show them how they can accomplish their personal goals by tying into the overall vision. By consistently communicating the vision, your team will move with purpose, feel they are personally making a difference, and achieve their goals sooner.
5. Unselfishness
Stephen Covey, in his successful book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote that a true leader must be a servant to the ones he or she leads. The leader must be able to “give of oneself for the good of the team.” In other words, be unselfish in words and action. Be unselfish in praise of others, in public, especially in front of management. Be unselfish in the ability to take time to listen, really listen to your team’s concerns. A recent management survey said that the average time management invests doing “pure listening” to employees during the year is a mere two hours-just two hours! What was meant by “pure listening” time was listening with eye contact, acknowledgement, and not answering the phone while listening, not speaking with another person while listening, etc. Be unselfish in the ability to help your team. Whether it’s the ability to readily assist with a difficult telephone call, jump in and remove road blocks for team members, or “be there” for a team member during challenging moments. Believe me, your team will remember those moments and excel for you.
Now I challenge you to put into action just one of the leadership techniques I mentioned above to achieve your vision, your mission, and your goals in the future.
1. Integrity.
I put this first because the lack of integrity will make or break you as a professional, as a leader, as a person in the long run. The lack of this will turn yesterday’s heroes in today’s villains. For example, “MCI was the apple of the business community’s eye. High revenues, high profits, and high growth; MCI was beating the competition hands down. Then it was discovered that there were gross accounting irregularities that accounted for the astounding profits. You see, management made a decision, “Do I continue to sustain good growth and be able to look at myself in the mirror or do I cook the accounting books and spend the rest of my time covering up this integrity deficiency? The real shame of the MCI situation was that AT&T, Sprint, and others in the industry had to cut costs and lay off thousands of employees to compete with MCI’s false numbers. The lack of integrity at MCI not only affected the company but also the livelihood of thousands and the industry as a whole.
I was recently speaking with a recently retired City Council member who is well respected in the community. I asked her what the secret was to her success while on the council? She mentioned that one of her political adversaries said to her, “While you were on the council, I didn’t like the way you voted, but I respected the way you voted because you were consistent with your votes and had the city’s best interest in mind.” Ask yourself what decisions that you make are right for the long term? Be consistent in your actions, whether it is with management, your team, or your family.
2. Knowledge.
With change happening faster and faster every moment, it is extremely important that you gain the knowledge to master these changes. You owe it not only to yourself, but to your team and management. As I always say, “It’s not having the right answer, it’s that you have the right answer faster than before.” Many times during my teambuilding programs a student will say, “I didn’t know where to find the answer.” Then I will say, “That is an unacceptable answer.” Because part of being a leader is acquiring the skills to find the right answers. With the Internet, classroom and online training, mentors, etc., the knowledge is at your fingertips. Challenge your team members to use the same resources to acquire the knowledge to master their challenges. By acquiring this knowledge, you will be able to navigate your team through the ocean of change and achieve your goals.
3. Decisiveness.
You have seen them. They wait for information, then more information before making a decision. Then they need more information to support the information they already have. Then they need a committee to analyze the information. Then they wait for the perfect time to make the decision. Well, you know what I mean. Anyone you know? Make the decision! Good things happen when you take action; you grow, you adapt, and your team grows. There is no perfect time to make a decision. Leaders make decisions based on past experience, putting into action the decision, and staying and adapting the decision if needed. But make the decision. The worst quality you can show your team is indecision. What do you think your team sees when you can’t make a decision? Make the decision and go for it.
4. Vision.
This is the ability not only to see what is the present - anyone can do that - it’s the ability to see the future. Outstanding leaders can not only see their team for what they can do now, but what they can become, and paint the picture for them. These leaders are consistently communicating and coaching their team members to that vision. One of the best ways, and least used methods, to convey your vision is the team meeting (Teambuilding and Coaching Skills for Outstanding Results). Every meeting should start out with the team vision, mission, and goals; and the rest of the meeting should tie into the vision. For example, the motivation portion of the meeting should tie into the vision, the information portion of the meeting should tie into the vision, the training portion of the meeting should tie into the vision, etc. Also, invest time to develop your team members’ personal visions and show them how they can accomplish their personal goals by tying into the overall vision. By consistently communicating the vision, your team will move with purpose, feel they are personally making a difference, and achieve their goals sooner.
5. Unselfishness
Stephen Covey, in his successful book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote that a true leader must be a servant to the ones he or she leads. The leader must be able to “give of oneself for the good of the team.” In other words, be unselfish in words and action. Be unselfish in praise of others, in public, especially in front of management. Be unselfish in the ability to take time to listen, really listen to your team’s concerns. A recent management survey said that the average time management invests doing “pure listening” to employees during the year is a mere two hours-just two hours! What was meant by “pure listening” time was listening with eye contact, acknowledgement, and not answering the phone while listening, not speaking with another person while listening, etc. Be unselfish in the ability to help your team. Whether it’s the ability to readily assist with a difficult telephone call, jump in and remove road blocks for team members, or “be there” for a team member during challenging moments. Believe me, your team will remember those moments and excel for you.
Now I challenge you to put into action just one of the leadership techniques I mentioned above to achieve your vision, your mission, and your goals in the future.
Leading Knowledge Workers: 5 Deadly Leadership Sins To Avoid
According to the latest studies, the average employee is delivering only 50% of what they are capable of offering to your organization. As a leader, you’re frustrated by this lack of performance. You’d like to clone your high performers so you can become more results oriented like the entrepreneurial companies you see in the marketplace.
To capture the talents and potential of today’s knowledge workers, you must recognize the dramatic rise in numbers of these employees. Knowledge workers are the individuals who use their ‘brains’ instead of their ‘brawn’ to get work done. These are the information specialists, researchers, marketing and sales experts whose talents drive the success of your business. To ensure high performance — you must manage these talented individuals differently than employees of the past. Their talents can help you take your business to the top. But like a spirited racehorse, they must be handled with care.
Avoid these five deadly sins and you’ll capture knowledge workers’ discretionary energy and build enthusiasm:
#1. Focus only on what’s wrong.
The “no news is good news” approach to leading knowledge workers is a receipt for disaster. You might think that if employees aren’t screwing up, they don’t need to hear from you. But knowledge workers want to be recognized. They need your attention. Recognize progress and give recognition to foster their talents and help them move in the right direction and fuels their enthusiasm. Avoid focusing only on what’s wrong and acknowledge what’s going right.
#2. Ignore poor performers.
High-performing knowledge workers want you to deal with poor performers — otherwise the problem lands in their lap. You must address performance challenges by coaching the employee, reassigning the individual to an area where their talents are best suited—or remove them altogether. In either case, pay attention to problems and take corrective action. Don’t let laggards linger, derail your progress and de-motivation other employees.
#3. Overlook boredom and talent misfit.
Job uncertainty and fear may prevent employees from speaking up about a change that’s needed. It’s your job to notice when individuals lost interest, struggle in their current position, or slack off for some unknown reason. Address these issues head on instead of allowing them to continue. There’s no joy in just getting by. You don’t help employees by allowing a bad fit to continue. Tough love with self and others is part of moving into the new economy.
#4. Let them say ‘YES’ to everything.
Help knowledge workers curb their appetite to work on interesting projects that are unrelated to business priorities. No matter how exciting a project is, you must help employees discern: “Is this project contributing to the goals of the business? Can I justify the time and energy I’m spending on it? Will this initiative help us achieve the outcomes we want?” Many times, knowledge workers bite off more than they can chew. A wise leader helps employees set limits and say ‘no’—for their own sake as well as for the business.
#5. Fail to give feedback.
In corporate life, no one wants to hear: “This isn’t working.” But individuals need to know when their attitudes and behaviors are causing others a problem. No matter how exceptional the person is, he or she can make a mistake — sometimes without knowing it. A wise leader helps individuals recognize problems and learn from problems. Don’t wait until there is a crisis to raise a touchy subject and give feedback. Regular feedback helps employees grow.
Your primary role as a leader is to help knowledge workers contribute their talents. Involve them in key decisions and welcome their input. Encourage collaboration with others who will stretch their minds and capabilities. Make sure employee talents are visible, seen and appreciated by others in the organization. Remember, knowledge workers want to use their talents to help your business grow. Put these ideas into action and watch teamwork and performance skyrocket!
To capture the talents and potential of today’s knowledge workers, you must recognize the dramatic rise in numbers of these employees. Knowledge workers are the individuals who use their ‘brains’ instead of their ‘brawn’ to get work done. These are the information specialists, researchers, marketing and sales experts whose talents drive the success of your business. To ensure high performance — you must manage these talented individuals differently than employees of the past. Their talents can help you take your business to the top. But like a spirited racehorse, they must be handled with care.
Avoid these five deadly sins and you’ll capture knowledge workers’ discretionary energy and build enthusiasm:
#1. Focus only on what’s wrong.
The “no news is good news” approach to leading knowledge workers is a receipt for disaster. You might think that if employees aren’t screwing up, they don’t need to hear from you. But knowledge workers want to be recognized. They need your attention. Recognize progress and give recognition to foster their talents and help them move in the right direction and fuels their enthusiasm. Avoid focusing only on what’s wrong and acknowledge what’s going right.
#2. Ignore poor performers.
High-performing knowledge workers want you to deal with poor performers — otherwise the problem lands in their lap. You must address performance challenges by coaching the employee, reassigning the individual to an area where their talents are best suited—or remove them altogether. In either case, pay attention to problems and take corrective action. Don’t let laggards linger, derail your progress and de-motivation other employees.
#3. Overlook boredom and talent misfit.
Job uncertainty and fear may prevent employees from speaking up about a change that’s needed. It’s your job to notice when individuals lost interest, struggle in their current position, or slack off for some unknown reason. Address these issues head on instead of allowing them to continue. There’s no joy in just getting by. You don’t help employees by allowing a bad fit to continue. Tough love with self and others is part of moving into the new economy.
#4. Let them say ‘YES’ to everything.
Help knowledge workers curb their appetite to work on interesting projects that are unrelated to business priorities. No matter how exciting a project is, you must help employees discern: “Is this project contributing to the goals of the business? Can I justify the time and energy I’m spending on it? Will this initiative help us achieve the outcomes we want?” Many times, knowledge workers bite off more than they can chew. A wise leader helps employees set limits and say ‘no’—for their own sake as well as for the business.
#5. Fail to give feedback.
In corporate life, no one wants to hear: “This isn’t working.” But individuals need to know when their attitudes and behaviors are causing others a problem. No matter how exceptional the person is, he or she can make a mistake — sometimes without knowing it. A wise leader helps individuals recognize problems and learn from problems. Don’t wait until there is a crisis to raise a touchy subject and give feedback. Regular feedback helps employees grow.
Your primary role as a leader is to help knowledge workers contribute their talents. Involve them in key decisions and welcome their input. Encourage collaboration with others who will stretch their minds and capabilities. Make sure employee talents are visible, seen and appreciated by others in the organization. Remember, knowledge workers want to use their talents to help your business grow. Put these ideas into action and watch teamwork and performance skyrocket!
Characteristics Your Man Should Have For a Successful Relationship
Not all men are created equal – there are the boys and then there are men. Those men worth having have abilities that can make or break a relationship. See if your man has these emotional abilities to keep the relationship going.
Characteristic #1 – Level headed and Mature. There will always be arguments and disagreements in a relationship. How does he handle his emotions? If he gets impatient and flares up without resolving the issues like a mature adult, then there's a possibility that he's immature. Does he keep on pointing an accusing finger at others and never seems to see that he could be at fault? These are signs that your man might still need to grow up emotionally.
As in any other relationship, there will be bumpy roads ahead. If your man is mature enough, he'll be able to keep his emotions under control. He may not agree with you all the time, but he'll keep an open mind and be man enough to say what's on his mind. He won't always nod in agreement, but both of you will be able to talk things over without anyone losing their temper.
Characteristic #2 – Ability to have good relationships with other people. A mature person will cultivate relationship with others and take them seriously. As the saying goes -- “If a friend is good to you but rude to the waitress, then he is not a good friend.”
A mature man has the ability to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship with you and at the same time take care of his relationship with others. He knows that if a woman makes him choose between her and his friends, family, or career, then she's not someone he'd want to be with for the rest of his life.
Characteristic #3 – Has dreams he wants to achieve. Immature men will tell you their dreams about having big houses or being rich or being ale to drive the flashiest cars. In short, immature men are so full of themselves that all they see is their own material desires and nothing else.
Meanwhile, mature men's dreams would involve not only themselves but also about how the world would become a better place because of them. He'll tell you of his dream of taking care of orphans and kids on the streets or finding ways to achieve world peace. He dreams big – his own selfish goals and aspirations come second.
No comparison right? Surely you know which “dreamy” man is more suitable for a long-term relationship.
Knowing the characteristics to look out for is the first step. The next step would be for you to be the kind of woman who attracts these kinds of men into your life. This is not rocket science – just be as mature as the man you want to be with. The ideals mentioned above doesn't apply only for him, but for you as well. The more you grow, the more you'll realize that life is fun and exciting, even when you're single at the moment.
Characteristic #1 – Level headed and Mature. There will always be arguments and disagreements in a relationship. How does he handle his emotions? If he gets impatient and flares up without resolving the issues like a mature adult, then there's a possibility that he's immature. Does he keep on pointing an accusing finger at others and never seems to see that he could be at fault? These are signs that your man might still need to grow up emotionally.
As in any other relationship, there will be bumpy roads ahead. If your man is mature enough, he'll be able to keep his emotions under control. He may not agree with you all the time, but he'll keep an open mind and be man enough to say what's on his mind. He won't always nod in agreement, but both of you will be able to talk things over without anyone losing their temper.
Characteristic #2 – Ability to have good relationships with other people. A mature person will cultivate relationship with others and take them seriously. As the saying goes -- “If a friend is good to you but rude to the waitress, then he is not a good friend.”
A mature man has the ability to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship with you and at the same time take care of his relationship with others. He knows that if a woman makes him choose between her and his friends, family, or career, then she's not someone he'd want to be with for the rest of his life.
Characteristic #3 – Has dreams he wants to achieve. Immature men will tell you their dreams about having big houses or being rich or being ale to drive the flashiest cars. In short, immature men are so full of themselves that all they see is their own material desires and nothing else.
Meanwhile, mature men's dreams would involve not only themselves but also about how the world would become a better place because of them. He'll tell you of his dream of taking care of orphans and kids on the streets or finding ways to achieve world peace. He dreams big – his own selfish goals and aspirations come second.
No comparison right? Surely you know which “dreamy” man is more suitable for a long-term relationship.
Knowing the characteristics to look out for is the first step. The next step would be for you to be the kind of woman who attracts these kinds of men into your life. This is not rocket science – just be as mature as the man you want to be with. The ideals mentioned above doesn't apply only for him, but for you as well. The more you grow, the more you'll realize that life is fun and exciting, even when you're single at the moment.
Improving Relationship Quality in Two Simple Steps
To improve something is to make it better. To make something better is to improve its quality. To improve a relationship, increase its quality.
What is quality in a relationship? Two simple words: confidence, and togetherness.
Confidence is not the same as trust. Trust is often based as much on hope as on reason, and is lost for small reasons or no reason at all. One instance of poor judgment can break a person's trust in another. Your guy goes to the track with his friends and loses the rent money. After that, you don't trust him with the rent money. So trust is far too fragile to base a relationship on.
Confidence is knowing he will be there, with his strengths and his weaknesses for sure, but there. The thing is, confidence works in both directions, or doesn't work at all. Fortunately, increasing confidence in one direction also increases it in the other. Which leads to the first simple step of improving a relationship: increase his/her confidence in you.
Improvements don't happen all at once: they are made up of small steps in the right direction. Anyone can take these small steps to improve the confidence others have in him. By taking them, you automatically improve the quality of the relationship. Here are some of the small steps, some of the things you can do today, tomorrow, and every day.
Confidence is knowing she will be there, so her confidence in you is knowing you will be there. So be there. Physically, be where you say you will be when you say you will be. If she expects you to be home when she gets there, be there, or leave a note saying why you are not and when you will be back. It seems a small, almost unimportant, thing, but it is perhaps the most important of all in building confidence.
People are disappointed by many people every day. All you have to do is be the one person who almost never disappoints. It really is very easy. Just be there. This does not mean you are at her beck and call. It only means you are where you say you will be when you say you will be there. It's a goal to work toward, that anyone can get better at.
Togetherness is the other part of a relationship. Especially, being together and doing things together. No relationship will long survive fierce independence. Keep in mind, you don't give up your freedom in a relationship -- you add to it. Two people together are free to do far more than one person alone.
Togetherness grows not by demanding, but by offering. So here is the second simple step to improving a relationship: be willing to be together, even if sometimes it is not fun. Take it in small steps, perhaps by offering to go to the hardware store with him, or in the reverse, to go clothes shopping with her. Not only is this togetherness time, it is also a way to learn more about why he/she enjoys what it is you are doing with him/her.
As a practical exercise, to get you started, the next time she goes to the store, offer to go with her. The next time you go to the store, ask him if he would like to come, and tell him you would like his company. He/she may not want to, and that's okay. But keep offering, keep asking. When you do get a yes, make it a together trip, not one of you being "dragged along." Ask questions; let her show off her knowledge in an area you are not as familiar with. Make togetherness time a learning time. Mostly, you will be learning more about him/her.
Togetherness grows if you let it, but it grows even faster if you feed and water it. Learning more about his likes and dislikes, how he thinks, what he thinks about, how he acts in different situations, is the result of increased togetherness -- and also leads to increased togetherness. All of which leads to a stronger, longer relationship.
These two simple steps, being there without fail and doing things together, will all by themselves improve the quality of any normal relationship as you do them more and more.
What is quality in a relationship? Two simple words: confidence, and togetherness.
Confidence is not the same as trust. Trust is often based as much on hope as on reason, and is lost for small reasons or no reason at all. One instance of poor judgment can break a person's trust in another. Your guy goes to the track with his friends and loses the rent money. After that, you don't trust him with the rent money. So trust is far too fragile to base a relationship on.
Confidence is knowing he will be there, with his strengths and his weaknesses for sure, but there. The thing is, confidence works in both directions, or doesn't work at all. Fortunately, increasing confidence in one direction also increases it in the other. Which leads to the first simple step of improving a relationship: increase his/her confidence in you.
Improvements don't happen all at once: they are made up of small steps in the right direction. Anyone can take these small steps to improve the confidence others have in him. By taking them, you automatically improve the quality of the relationship. Here are some of the small steps, some of the things you can do today, tomorrow, and every day.
Confidence is knowing she will be there, so her confidence in you is knowing you will be there. So be there. Physically, be where you say you will be when you say you will be. If she expects you to be home when she gets there, be there, or leave a note saying why you are not and when you will be back. It seems a small, almost unimportant, thing, but it is perhaps the most important of all in building confidence.
People are disappointed by many people every day. All you have to do is be the one person who almost never disappoints. It really is very easy. Just be there. This does not mean you are at her beck and call. It only means you are where you say you will be when you say you will be there. It's a goal to work toward, that anyone can get better at.
Togetherness is the other part of a relationship. Especially, being together and doing things together. No relationship will long survive fierce independence. Keep in mind, you don't give up your freedom in a relationship -- you add to it. Two people together are free to do far more than one person alone.
Togetherness grows not by demanding, but by offering. So here is the second simple step to improving a relationship: be willing to be together, even if sometimes it is not fun. Take it in small steps, perhaps by offering to go to the hardware store with him, or in the reverse, to go clothes shopping with her. Not only is this togetherness time, it is also a way to learn more about why he/she enjoys what it is you are doing with him/her.
As a practical exercise, to get you started, the next time she goes to the store, offer to go with her. The next time you go to the store, ask him if he would like to come, and tell him you would like his company. He/she may not want to, and that's okay. But keep offering, keep asking. When you do get a yes, make it a together trip, not one of you being "dragged along." Ask questions; let her show off her knowledge in an area you are not as familiar with. Make togetherness time a learning time. Mostly, you will be learning more about him/her.
Togetherness grows if you let it, but it grows even faster if you feed and water it. Learning more about his likes and dislikes, how he thinks, what he thinks about, how he acts in different situations, is the result of increased togetherness -- and also leads to increased togetherness. All of which leads to a stronger, longer relationship.
These two simple steps, being there without fail and doing things together, will all by themselves improve the quality of any normal relationship as you do them more and more.
The Elements of Compatibility
When relationships between two nice people don't end up the way everyone had hoped, the blame is often directed at incompatibility. After all, the relationship didn't end all that badly, so it doesn't mean either of them was a jerk. They were simply incompatible – they don't dance to the same tune.
But when you think about it, does “compatibility” really have a fixed definition? Is it judged by how well they spend time together? Perhaps it's how cute they look together? Whatever it is, since so many breakups happening because of “incompatibility,” it might be a good idea to explore what compatibility really is, instead of just dismissing it as a salad of traits that a man and a woman have in common.
In reality, compatibility is much more complicated than you might think. Some elements of compatibility exist at an unconscious level and you might not even know about them. For example, have you ever heard of the saying that most individuals are more attracted to mates who display the qualities of their parent of the opposite sex? You may have noticed that you're more attracted to guys who look, sound, or act like your dad. It may sound funny, but it's actually been proven that people prefer mates that make them feel perfectly safe and at ease – something they used to feel with their parents! This fact, among many others, proves that there's much more to compatibility than what meets the eye, so to speak.
So, is it possible to use compatibility to your advantage in the dating game?
To keep it short, compatibility is composed of four essential aspects that, when used completely and harmoniously with each other, can increase your chances of getting into a healthy, long-lasting relationship with someone you're perfectly comfortable with – and vice versa. These traits are the following:
The Way You Talk
Conversation has a very powerful attracting mechanism, but remember that not all people in the dating game mean what they say. I'm sure you've experienced having to tell a white lie to your date one time or the other. Well, that's something you should avoid. A great talking style is marked by having totally nothing to hide from each other. Read: Brutal honesty.
Your Activity Levels
Whenever you feel bored, tired, or otherwise uneasy when you and your boyfriend do something together, it's a sign that your activity levels aren't on the same page. In other words, you're incompatible on an activity level. A good relationship should thrive on the time you spend together. Try to be more open to each other's reality, but make sure no one tries to impose their “reality” on the other, either.
Financial Smarts
There's a reason why so many couples break up over money matters. Your financial intellect (or lack of it) is a very powerful dictating factor on how far a relationship can go, so do yourselves a favor and start reading up about financial security, debt management, and other ways to always have something for a rainy day.
Sensual Response
This draws the line between being friends and lovers. The first three traits can improve any relationship, even if it's not romantic. But the way you respond to each other at a sensual and sexual level is a defining factor in your relationship's health and longevity.
But when you think about it, does “compatibility” really have a fixed definition? Is it judged by how well they spend time together? Perhaps it's how cute they look together? Whatever it is, since so many breakups happening because of “incompatibility,” it might be a good idea to explore what compatibility really is, instead of just dismissing it as a salad of traits that a man and a woman have in common.
In reality, compatibility is much more complicated than you might think. Some elements of compatibility exist at an unconscious level and you might not even know about them. For example, have you ever heard of the saying that most individuals are more attracted to mates who display the qualities of their parent of the opposite sex? You may have noticed that you're more attracted to guys who look, sound, or act like your dad. It may sound funny, but it's actually been proven that people prefer mates that make them feel perfectly safe and at ease – something they used to feel with their parents! This fact, among many others, proves that there's much more to compatibility than what meets the eye, so to speak.
So, is it possible to use compatibility to your advantage in the dating game?
To keep it short, compatibility is composed of four essential aspects that, when used completely and harmoniously with each other, can increase your chances of getting into a healthy, long-lasting relationship with someone you're perfectly comfortable with – and vice versa. These traits are the following:
The Way You Talk
Conversation has a very powerful attracting mechanism, but remember that not all people in the dating game mean what they say. I'm sure you've experienced having to tell a white lie to your date one time or the other. Well, that's something you should avoid. A great talking style is marked by having totally nothing to hide from each other. Read: Brutal honesty.
Your Activity Levels
Whenever you feel bored, tired, or otherwise uneasy when you and your boyfriend do something together, it's a sign that your activity levels aren't on the same page. In other words, you're incompatible on an activity level. A good relationship should thrive on the time you spend together. Try to be more open to each other's reality, but make sure no one tries to impose their “reality” on the other, either.
Financial Smarts
There's a reason why so many couples break up over money matters. Your financial intellect (or lack of it) is a very powerful dictating factor on how far a relationship can go, so do yourselves a favor and start reading up about financial security, debt management, and other ways to always have something for a rainy day.
Sensual Response
This draws the line between being friends and lovers. The first three traits can improve any relationship, even if it's not romantic. But the way you respond to each other at a sensual and sexual level is a defining factor in your relationship's health and longevity.
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